Notes on Britain Part I

Earlier this year I had a job working in a British restaurant. I was employed, working behind the bar making up drinks for the waitressess who were taking orders from the floor and giving them to me to fill. They'd chat amongst themselves talking of nothings and watching the clock like Big Ben were about to strike the end of another year.  I don't blame them, it was after all a nine hour shift working for minimum wage and no tips.

So it didn't take long for me to realize that all the experiences I'd gleaned from working in America was deemed insufficient and useless beginning with the first problem of ICE.

In the UK if you want the afore mentioned CHILL in your drink, you have to ask for it, and then after a while a couple of cubes will (dis)appear in your drink in due time depending on the crap service that you may or may not be subjected to.

So slipping around on a greasy floor searching for the large scoop I'd been used to in the States, I was mystified by a pair of oversized plastic tweezers and it's mate being a pixie sized ice-bucket. Replenishing that bucket had me running up and downstairs to the ice maker which lay below in a grimy cellar which wreaked of damp and reminded me of the country I did NOT want to live in.

And so I created a LIVING IN BRTAIN CODE:

To any Blighty visiting America for the first time they'll find it, like I did at aged 12, the land of the free re-fills and the self-service soda machine one of the highlights. But unlike the States, England where every beverage is deemed a rip-off, one of the few things a Brit will never complain about is in a restaurant especially when they're parked on home turf.

Complaints over a small thing such as ice is usually disguised by your average Brit and is done by an apology, and with discretion. Complaining anymore than that (whether you're right or wrong) is to be avoided and here's why:

Sending whole plates of food back for whatever reason is completely out of the question, especially when dining out with your new found friends. Furthermore, it makes everyone at the table feel uncomfortable and they all wish that whoever invited the stuntman rocking the boat will never be welcomed back. Don't worry, they'll complain and apologize to each other at a later date but never in front of your face.

Don't be put off though because complaining in the correct fashion is a great British pastime, centuries old and steeped in authenticity. A person visiting Britain will encounter this phenomenon in social settings nation wide. In fact complaining passively is even believed to boost morale in the work place! Which leads me to the topic and subtle art of the 'effective complaint'. 

It is advised to anyone experimenting with their first friendly complaint to start with a nascent headache or better yet find the worst part about your job and make a comment about that, and then just take it from there. You'll even find that making new friends and talking to strangers that they'll relax instantly with your light-hearted gripe, and with a bit of luck and good judgement you'll be greeted with unanimous approval.  If you get scared and draw a blank start complaining about the British weather (even if it's sunny). Trust me, it will never fail and still remains the oldest complaint in the book. Except for this recent credit crunch which has reached monolithic proportions. In fact, it's universal appeal is exciting for me because for the first time in decades the British really have something substantial to complain about. I believe it has ignited a type of national pessimism that continues to unite anyone wishing to participate in a collective display of mediocre patriotism that only the British are capable of.


God Save The Queen!